Sunday, 08 April 2012

  • El Beso de la Muerte.

    *found this as an unpublished private entry, and it was a subtle reminder that I can be eloquent on occasion, if I ever slow down enough to write.* 

     

    I think I was praying. Hands laced, pressed to my lips murmurring desperation, eyes locked on the lazily drawn blinds, waiting for anything. Give me faith. The moon came in, shyly, warming cold rays gently to my skin. I could taste its uninhabitable air. My fingers rolled apart, blanched and luminescent for a moment then gone back into the dark. Specters. Is this what it is to die? Silently in the night, when the sun and other rocks line up just so to illuminate an illusion of body, then submerge it back into solemn, serene, darkness. 

    For ten years I have wanted to die. There were no notes, no declarations. The lonely father scrawls his wife's name on the bar napkin, the insecure child writes to show her bullies what they drove her to. But they won't see. This is what leaves the hauntings behind; an illusory wish for someone to see your unexampled hurt. But messages don't come from the mouths of bygone babes, ghosts speak only in language of flickering lights. 

     

Thursday, 05 January 2012

  • 2012.

    Resolutions are kinda silly, but I started mine before New Year's, so I'm looking at them more as long-term goals.

    • forgive & forget 2010 & 2011.
    • start P90X for the 3rd time, but not stop after the 90 days (I'm a little nervous though that if I start losing any weight I'm going to have to start wearing kids' sizes...or just disappear completely. No mom of 2 should be a 00. I wasn't even a 00 before the babies!), and go for a walk every day.
    • *finish* my office. Right now it's nearly empty, save for my bookshelves & printer, and is serving as a stand-in bedroom for my 1 year old until he moves to his big-boy-bed in the other bedroom. This *finishing* goal includes getting a desk, chair, big monitor for photo editing, a file cabinet, and making prints/etc. for the walls. And a baby gate for the door so my children can weep in misery that they can see me but not get to me and all the shiny buttons.
    • Add to my body-mod collection with the backpiece I have wanted for years. I've sat on the idea long enough, it's important, I'm ready.
    • Make a new friend in the tiny town we just moved to. I'm gonna pretend that that sounds a lot more lame than it is...I don't get out much, so my social life is lacking. 
    • Write every day. 
    • Somehow coerce my household to stay still long enough to take a family portrait. This might take until 2013...or 2014...or...
    • Read at least one book a month (and work my way up from there), and start reading novels again. I can't remember the last time I read any fiction.
    • Book at least one shoot a month (recovering from self-inflicted maternity leave and living in a whole new town...sigh...), ideally, at least one a week.
    • Spend more time with my kids that doesn't involve chores or multi-tasking.
    • COLLEGE/GTFO MY HOUSE FUNDS. I will never forgive myself if I put that off so long it never happens. 
    • Force my husband to work with me on his website & maintain his business blog regularly for him. 
    • Stay on a stricter schedule. I have been actively working on this for weeks and it has done wonders for my life on every level. I hate the idea of scheduling, but for someone as frazzled and exhausted as me, it's a necessity for sanity. 
    • Get dressed every day! Don't laugh. Anyone who is a stay-at-home-mom or works from home knows exactly what I'm talking about.
    • Make at least one reason a month to get dolled up and wear some of the untouched clothes & shoes in my two closets. Yes, I have 2 full closets, all to myself. AND I want to whittle away at said closets, to be out with the old, and slowly in with the new. I have stopped caring about looking cute or fashionable, and it's taken a chunk out of my self-esteem. I need to put the effort back in; it makes me feel on top of things, and getting checked out doesn't hurt either. 
    • Take a weekend vacation with my husband. Between work, kids, home, people forget how good it feels just to be in love sometimes.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

  • Blasted.

    A few more from the other night, shot for lifeblasters.com.

  • Virtual Insanity.

    Some snaps from some lighting coaching I did a few nights ago. In my colleague's words I "threw him into a freezing lake and yelled at him to swim." Not my usual teaching approach. Woops.

    My mind is so disorganized when I go to shoot lately. I don't do it often, and hardly ever unless it's for a specific shoot. Even when I map out in my mind the shots I want to do, the things I want to say, whatever, when it gets to actual shutter-clicking I get so wired, so excited, I lose track. It's not a natural, flowing process any more; it's frantic to even make the time to take photographs (90% of the time I have to bring my almost-1 and almost-2 year olds with me), frantic to finish so I can get back to my 9-5 as a mom, frantic to just TAKE photos instead of devote the thought into MAKING photos. Maybe I'll start writing out shot-lists until I can consciously calm down. Practice practice practice. I feel like I'm starting all over from scratch in my style, my workflow, everything. 

    C'est la vie.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

  • The Fallacy of Lone Creative Genius

    Since I started this blog in 2003 the majority of my writing, save for my anecdotes on my daily life, has been in response to the ideas of others. My theories on personality, perception, natural instinct, womanhood, beauty, and art, are based off my own experiences, but those experience as with other people, other writers, other theories themselves. This is a ball that will fly back and forth across the court endlessly, but I'll teeter up on my soapbox and clear my throat into the megaphone to say that I don't believe there really is such thing as intuitive thought without the input of other people and society. My more "intellectual" writings are 99% inspired while reading something else. Citing or linking back to said inspiration is one thing, but while flipping through my years' worth of notebooks, I am amazed at what a different animal the note taking, train of thought, process is from both the initial reaction and then the written reaction itself.

    Mu audience has evolved and grown with me in my past decade as a blogger. While I have the few diehard fans who have stuck with me from internet hatchling to niche market personality, I doubt even they would remember the poetry of my early years as a public writer. Much of the past few years for me have been spent weeping (figuratively...maybe) the loss of my capacity as an artist--as a writer, and as a photographer. My artistic voice has shifted from fresh & ornate, to verbose & crass. I have spent less time in the company of writing and art in the last few years than ever before in my life. The absence has taken it's toll in my own lack of experience and inspiration. To regain control, I am forcing myself to read, look, and see, to oil up the gears and reunite with long-lost creative part of my brain. Obvious, right?

    A few days ago my dad sent me a copy of "Making Ideas Happen," a book addressing the the obstacles creative individuals face between inspiration and productivity. I'm sure many of you know the problem. It has been a few months since I've really sat down to read much, and nothing really in this genre for even longer. While annotating my margins I wondered what could be gleaned not from my personal interpretations and application, but simple from my notes. Even when perusing my notebooks and stopping to remember or reasses some old thought, 90% of my scribbles and quotations are left untouched after I set my pen down. And in the vein of this particular book, perhaps putting my raw thoughts and the bits & pieces that stick for me out to the world for interactivity could be interesting, and potentially further inspiring. Don't expect any pretty writing out of this, these are purely quotes and shorthand notations. This particular blog doesn't have so many readers any more (and to think, man, I was Miss XangAmerica once, and the #1 hit on Google for Bekka...sigh...), and I don't keep rules for myself here like I do on my other sites, so....


     "Making Ideas Happen," Introduction

    • "Creative people are known for winging it; improvising and acting on intuition is, in some way, the haloed essence of what we do and who we are." 
      • is there ever really true balance between the two? every laregly successful artist I know produces work that is worlds different than their roots; is that just maturity & growth, or a lack of creativity?
    • "Everything in life should be approached as a project. Every project can be broken down into just three things: Action Steps, Backburner Items, and References."
    • "You must embrace opportunities to broadcast and then refine your ideas through the energy of those around you."
      • in everything. When is it too much? I have found candor to become a hindrance past a point. What is that point?
    • "Creative professionals--defined as those who generate (and sometimes execute) ideas for a living--constitute what is likely the most disorganized community on the planet."
    • "I'm not for the notion of 'artistic' or 'creative' meaning making a pretty picture. Every entrepreneur I have ever met is an artist. They are all forced to become comfortable with failure. And for entrepreneurs, their canvas is their company." - John Maeda, Preside of the Rhode Island School of Design
    • "Creativity is the catalyst for brilliant accomplishments, but it is also the greatest obstacle."
    • "Risa was a brilliant mind left to her own devices. Without others to challenge her ideas and hold her accountable, she was struggling."
      • accountability!!! Where do we draw that from outside of a professional or familial environment? Who are we accountable to other than ourselves? How does one pinpoint prospectives?
    • self-dicipline and simplicity!!
    • "an idea executed for an audience of one is an awful waste of potential inspiration and value for the greater good."
    • "you want to treat your work like a virus that will reach a lot of people."
    • "You can make something really, really palatable and turn it into an HBO miniseries or you can make something moderately palatable and turn it into something that goes in an art museum or you can make something not at all palatable and turn it into something you do in your basement."
    • "All great inventions emerge from a long sequence of small sparks; the first idea often isn't all that good, but that to collaboration it later sparks another idea, or it's reinterpreted in an unexpected way. Collaborations brings small sparks together to generate breakthrough innovation." - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, from his book "Group Genius"
    • "Sawyer would argue that [the idea of lone creative genius] did not [exist in the past]"
      • !!! WHY is this so true? Where does communal consciousness stem from? In our species evolution, where did this stem from?
    • "Community strengthens both your creative energy and your commitment to channel it."
      • There need to be more obvious outlet for us introverted starving artists. How do we teach new (and young!) creatives to not fear rejection?
    • candid self-assesment!!