Thursday, 09 July 2009

• Eight Legged Freaks

  Spider count for the past week:
  

  • black widow in kitchen -- DEAD
  • little white spider above kitchen sink -- MIA, presumably alive
  • grey fuzzy spider in shower -- DEAD
  • white leggy spider on bed -- ALIVE
    
  • brown fuzzy spider that came off ceiling into my lap -- DEAD
  • daddy longlegs above dining table -- ALIVE, he eats the other bugs
  • grey fuzzy spider on bedroom wall -- DEAD
  • black widow on front door -- DEAD
  • daddy longlegs in bathroom -- ALIVE
    
  • black widow on walkway -- DEAD
  • black widow in flowerpot -- DEAD
  • black widow on mailbox -- DEAD

  While I was traveling and BF was moving all our crap into our new house, he promised he'd bug bomb the place before I came home. By "new" house, I mean our 100 year old mostly brick farmhouse with an a-frame second story that's cracking at the seams--spider heaven. Of course, he didn't and the first night in our new little nest I stepped outside to see three big, black, and bootylicious black widows hanging out of the eaves. Being a dutiful arachnophobic damsel in distress, I leapt behind BF squealing and shoved him to KILL THEM! KILL THEM! Some WD40, lighters, and laughs later, they were dead. The next day I had a run in with a brown recluse (man, that baby had legs that went on foreeeever!), and then I realized my instinctual scream and run away tactic wasn't going to work.
  
  Now, I've never really dealt with "dangerous" spiders, so black widows, brown recluses, hephalumps and woozles are all new to me. As with most scary things, it's the fear of the unkown that really gets you, so I'd like to clear up a few spider falacies for my fellow scaredy cats.
  
  
  
  Black Widows
  
  Honestly, the most frightening thing about black widows is their bad rep and how they look (the ladies that is, the colorful one is her hubby). Seriously, look at that thing! It looks like evil incarnate. I've played pest-buster for just about every kind of spider, from ant-sized to tarantula, but nothing is quite as creepy as that shiny, black, venomous orb. They're nasty little buggers who put up quite the fight. Their exoskeleton is stronger than many of their arachnid buddies, so pesticides don't work so well. You've got the get up close and personal, and if not personal at least share some heavy literature.
  
  Despite what the boogie man and monster in your closet tell you, a black widow bite won't make you keel over dead. In fact, unless your immune system has taken a shit or you're a little kid, your spider friend will just leave her scent (ok, painful bite) on you for a few days, and then it's history. If a black widow bites you, there's only a slight chance she'll even release her venom. The bite itself will hurt, and if you're lucky that's all, but if the neurotoxin enters your bloodstream you might have to deal with muscle cramps and spasms for a few days. In a worst case scenario you might get nauseous, maybe throw up, but all in all it's nothing some ibuprofen can't handle.
  
  So you may ask, "Why do you kill them! Just let them outside!" Even if getting bitten isn't a death sentence, I still don't wish it on myself or anyone else. Also, my cats are very helpful in eating up any pesky bugs that get in the house, and one bit from Ms. Widow and I'll be digging a cat sized ditch in the back yard. It's my house, and my rules. If they're outside they can live, but once they come through that door/window/crack in the wall they're as good as dead.
  
  Daddy Long Legs
  
  I view these guys as almost...friendly. They build their webs way up high, and eat whatever comes their way, big, small, venomous, harmless. If it's another insect it's dinner, and that's fine in my book.
  
  Now these delicate looking little spiders have their own nasty rep to live up to. Apparently they have the most potent venom in the world but their cute little fangs aren't strong enough to break human skin. Awwwww! This isn't grade school though, so we can't believe everything the big kids tell us.
  
  First things first, daddy long legs CAN bite (note: one of these suckers bit me as a kid, thus triggering my life-long arachnophobia), but like most spiders, you might get a little spot on your skin, maybe a bump, and then you'll forget it ever happened. Now there's some exciting urban myth material right there!
  
  These same myths are also applied to other "daddy long legs" like craneflies/mosquito eaters and harvestmen, neither of which are spiders (or the least bit dangerous) at all!
  
  You eat at least 8 spiders a night/month/year/lifetime
  
  The validity of these kind of superstitions depend on your definition of spider. If you count tiny mites that live on just about everything? Then yes, you "eat" lots of spiders in your lifetime. If you're thinking about regular sized, creepy crawlies, then no, no unless they're cooked into your mac 'n cheese and you're too busy wolfing it down to notice. While a gaping mouth might seem like a great place to build a web to a wandering spider, you can't forget that the little creeps have their own set of pea-sized instincts. You're breathing. Out of your mouth. You're also probably moving. What do large moving, breathing animals like to do with spiders? Eat them! It wouldn't be in their best interest to climb in and get cozy now would it? Also, based on how sensitive the inside of your mouth is, it's doubtful you wouldn't realize there were 4-pairs of spindly legs scrambling around in there, especially when it started biting because you closed your chompers.
  
  A spider bit me and now I'm full of EGGS!
  
  ...no. We are not stuck in Alien or even in the Mummy, no known animals, even disgusting insects will or CAN plant their eggs inside you by biting. Can a bug lay eggs in you period? Sure, but it's a very rare occurrence, and insects that are capable of that (note: insects, NOT spiders) are found primarily in "exotic" places--Africa, South America, etc. Sorry if I ruined your honeymoon. If it makes you feel any better though, we're really not that tasty to bugs until we're dead!
  
  You're always 6 feet from a spider
  
  How clever! They have 8, we have 2, get it! Get it! Er... Whether or not that statement was meant to be "clever" or not, there is some truth to it--just not to the exact inch. Spiders (bugs in general, insects and arachnids alike) are just about everywhere. They're good at hiding under furniture, behind car seats, in walls. They don't want to have anything to do with you, but that doesn't mean you don't need to watch your back. ;)
  

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